You're The Only One
by cherryXbomb
Summary: THIRD GENERATION Cacie Cameron is the daughter of Sean and Ellie Cameron. This is her story in Degrassi Community School. CHAPTER SUMMARY: Part one of Cameron's funeral. UPDATED FEBRUARY 4, 2008
1. The First Day on a Brand New Planet

**Chapter One: The First Day on a Brand New Planet**

"Janine what am I going to do? My parents are still freaking out." Cacie Cameron was talking once again to Janine Hogart, her best friend. She had to complain about how her parents, Sean and Ellie Cameron, had been treating her lately. It was insane. They had no clue what she'd gone through in the last few months, the drama with Ben, the drama with Christian, the many fights with Cameron. They didn't even know that she and Serena had stopped talking for a few.

"You did run away to California Cace. What do you expect? Cookies?" Janine, like always, said the words Cacie didn't want to hear.

"I expected them to understand that I had things I had to work through and I couldn't do it in Toronto," Cacie countered. It wasn't common to hear her defending what she thought to Janine Hogart before school. And this conversation could easily become the most important of the twelve years they'd been having them. After all, this was the first conversation of their senior year.

"So go to Wasaga! You went to a different country Cacie. With a guy," Janine was being logical. Trying to see things from the point of view of a parent. That was something that Cacie had never heard her do before. Janine was usually there complaining about her parents and the odd things Jay and Paige Hogart did to ever try to see it from their point-of-view. But ever since California, maybe before, she'd been different. Cacie couldn't put her finger on it. In California, Janine had seemed fine. But back in Toronto, she was not the Janine Hogart of the previous year. _Must have to do with Tristan moving out. She was way too close to her brother._

"Oh yes, because Wasaga, with Ben, is where I wanted to be!" Cacie knew she was getting snappy but it didn't matter. What mattered right then was being sure that she wouldn't get yelled at by her best friend for running away. Sure, it was to join her and Cameron Michalchuk, Janine's cousin and one of Cacie's best friends, in California, but that wasn't the point. The point was that Cacie didn't need it. "And I needed to talk to Cam. We'd been fighting and…"

Suddenly Cacie's breathing grew heavy. She could feel herself start to shake, just as she did any time she started to get too stressed out, or start to feel anything too extreme. She stopped talking and bit her bottom lip, tasting the coppery taste of blood between her teeth and on her tongue. Once again she'd bitten too hard.

"Yeah I get that you two were fighting, but California. You quit your job to run away," Janine kept on griping for a few seconds longer before realizing that Cacie's breath had gone shallow. On the other end of the phone, Janine's hazel eyes widened. She could only imagine what was going on on the other end of the phone. It was common knowledge that Cacie Cameron had issues. And an anxiety disorder was near the top of that list. Or at least it was common knowledge to those privy to the inner workings of Cacie Cameron, which not too many actually were. "Cacie, you okay? You still with us? Did you get beamed up by the mother ship?"

Cacie heard Janine's voice but couldn't make out the words. Without even realizing that she'd done it, she closed the phone, hanging up on Janine. Then she felt the tears streaking down her face. She didn't know when the tears started, when she started crying. Just that she was crying. She didn't even know why she was crying, or shaking, or feeling her heart hammer against her chest like her mother's drumsticks on the ancient set of drums in the basement.

She faintly heard the home phone ring and a few seconds later saw the blurred vision of her mother walk into the room. "Cacie… Acacia. Calm down. Talk to me. What's going on?" Her mother was always asking those questions. Trying to get into Cacie's head.

Cacie looked up at the older redheaded woman and stepped back. She didn't want anyone to see her like this, see her breaking down and freaking out. She couldn't bear to have anyone see her in that condition, not even her own mother. Ellie didn't seem to care though. She walked over to her daughter and carefully started to stroke her back. "Calm down Cacie. Janine called, said you were upset. Calm down. Breathe."

The normal words escaped her mother's mouth. Telling her that she could do this, that she could breathe. All Cacie knew, once she finally was back to normal, was there was now a price on Janine Hogart's curly blonde head. She had called her mother, told her mother that she was having another attack. Cacie couldn't believe it. She had half a mind to not pick Janine up before school as punishment. But Cacie couldn't do that. More like, their other best friend wouldn't allow it.

When everything was over, Cacie walked back to her bed, taking a seat on the edge. Ellie followed her. "What was that about?"

Cacie shrugged a noncommittal shrug. "I don't know. Janine was yelling at me about California and then I started thinking about the fight I had with Cam last year and then next thing I knew I couldn't breathe and was crying and you were in here." She hated it. She hated having panic attacks, something she'd had since she was a freshman, since everything happened to her. Her new therapist suggested they were just a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder, but Cacie, she knew better. She was just crazy.

Ellie listened with a very understanding look on her face and then smiled comfortingly at her daughter. "You going to be okay at school today Cace?"

Cacie nodded and then looked at the clock. "Speaking of school, I have to go Mom." She was grateful for once that she had school. She couldn't tolerate sitting there, talking about her feelings with her mother. She had never been able to deal with her mother asking how she was, asking if she was okay, or worse, asking about her love life. She knew that if she'd had the time, she would ask about her feelings for 'this Cameron boy' and then voice her disapproval. After all, Ellie Cameron had never run away to be with any boy in her youth. _No that would be more Dad's type thing. Except he ran away from the girls. Never was the smartest was he._

She grabbed her backpack and found her way quickly out of the room, leaving her mother looking confused on the bed. She really needed out of that house. _Small wonder I ran away right?_

* * *

It didn't take long before Cacie had picked up her two best friends. She had no sooner pulled into the Hogart's driveway before Janine jumped in with an order for her to drive, fast and far away from the Hogart house. Cacie didn't understand it. Sure, Paige and Jay fought a lot but Janine was a tough cookie. She didn't ever just run out and order to be taken further away.

* * *

It took longer at the Mason house. Darcy Mason offered the girls some breakfast. Neither Janine or Cacie had eaten that morning, and they had to do something while they waited for the third member of their trio, Serena Mason. While they waited, Darcy fed them toast, scrambled eggs, and some bacon that Cacie refused to touch. Then, they got to hear the latest gossip of what was going on at the church the Mason's were a member of. "I really wish you girls would come to church with us more often. I don't think you've gone since you were girls were in tenth grade Cacie."

Cacie turned a bright red remembering the last time she'd been in that church. Janine gave her a look and Cacie offered up a weak smile. There was no way Cacie would tell Darcy Mason, or even her husband, about the things she'd done with Christian Hellsend at their church, especially in the closet that housed the choir robes. She wouldn't even tell Serena what had happened in that scenario.

"Mother, not everyone is as into religion as we are. Please stop force feeding my friends the bible," Serena's voice approached the table before the tall and curvy redhead. Both of her friends looked up with wide eyes, grateful to be saved by their best friend.

A few minutes later, the three were out the door and into Cacie's car, an old Jetta that her father had found a deal on. Sure, Craig Manning helped more on getting the deal, but it was still her father who did the paper work, her father who paid for the car, and her father who rebuilt the engine. After listening to Janine and Serena bicker about who got the front seat (Janine won the two out of three rock-paper-scissors), they were on their way.

* * *

Degrassi Community School had not changed at all since the previous school year. The same people went through the doors and as always, the three best friends separated inside the doors. Not once had they gotten lockers in the same hall. Cacie made her way to her new locker, down in the English wing, and stopped dead in her tracks. There was no way that he was back at Degrassi. 


	2. Ready Aim Misfire

**Chapter Two: Ready, Aim, Misfire**

Christian Hellsend wasn't doing much. Just casually standing by his locker, putting away his spiral bound notebooks. His face had changed since the previous year. The cocky smirk he'd always worn had disappeared; instead a grimace haunted the visage. He was nearly hunched at his locker, as though trying to climb into it and disappear to whatever world was behind the locker.

And though he was trying to avoid the feeling, he could feel eyes burning his back. He kept trying, trying not to turn around because there was only one person in all of Toronto that could put that much heat in a glare, and that was Cacie Cameron. He really didn't want to deal with his ex-girlfriend, the only girl he'd ever loved (and still did much to his dismay), on his first day back at Degrassi. It was bad enough that he had to retake his senior year. Dealing with the feisty blonde would make it way too much.

But of course, Christian's thoughts weren't heard by whatever power the common people believed in. Before he even had a chance to check to see if it really was the glare of Cacie Cameron burning twin holes into his dark blue jersey, he felt fingers tap him on the shoulder and the very distinct tone of Cacie's voice. "You do know when most people graduate, they clean their lockers out at the end of the school year, not the beginning of the next one. Or are you decorating Caridee's locker?"

Christian couldn't help but look up and see her, glare and all. "Actually, I didn't graduate."

Cacie felt her heart fall to the floor in a combination of disgust that she'd have to put up with Christian Hellsend for another year and also disappointment that she didn't know that. She actually felt disappointed in herself for not keeping up with the sordid adventures of the boy she claimed to hate despite the constant butterflies in her stomach whenever he was near to her. _Yes because butterflies make you nauseous. More like hammerhead sharks eating away at my sanity through my intestinal track._ "You didn't graduate? What happen? Not get to screw enough teachers for them to overlook your subhuman intelligence?"

"Nah, just turns out drinking and partying doesn't help in high school. Who knew?" And there it was, the Christian Hellsend smirk. He couldn't help but give it to her when she started her normal griping. He couldn't help but deliver that smirk to the cold eyes and colder heart of Cacie Cameron. Just to get a reaction. "Plus, couldn't leave you behind Cacie."

Cacie heard his words and shook her head. "First part I'd believe. It's the second about not leaving me behind that sends my inner lie detector into a crazy fit." Cacie looked at the locker she was standing at. Of course, she'd be stuck next to Christian for an entire year. If she'd had her way, she wouldn't be anywhere near him. She'd rather be sharing a locker with Caridee Jones and Mackenzie Stone than being even in the same hall as Christian Hellsend.

"Can't you try to be civil, Acacia?" Now he was tormenting her. Tormenting her by using her full first name, tormenting her with his very presence.

_Two can play that game._ Cacie's thoughts didn't really surprise her. She was always down for a game of torture Christian Hellsend, always had been down for that game. She pasted on her normal smile, one that no one could tell was fake; no one sans Cameron Michalchuk and Christian Hellsend anyway. "Okay, we'll try civil. How was your summer?"

"Spent it in California with my dad. Did some thinking—" Christian had started to fill in the shorter girl on his summer before being cut off by her laughter.

"Wait, you did thinking? Doesn't that require a brain?" Cacie couldn't help it. She really couldn't help but make fun of him in some way. It was how she operated, how **they** operated.

"I have a brain. Smart enough to get you into bed not once, but countless times," Christian reverted back to the guy that Cacie had known for years. Leaving behind the slight pod person he'd become in the last few minutes. Christian was always the first to start the snap-fest, always the first to find a new way to torture Cacie, to keep her close without her knowledge. After all, he knew that Cacie would never allow him her heart; she didn't give that to anyone. But he knew that if he could keep her coming back, keep her guessing, then he would always have her. The heart he could work on later. Because in the end, it always came back to Cacie Cameron and Christian Hellsend.

Cacie slammed her locker in response to that statement. She looked over at him, amber eyes narrowed. "Excuse me? You did not just say—"

"Yes I did."

Cacie heard him cut her off and smiled. _No. This is not how that works._ She lightly bit her bottom lip, careful not to draw blood the way she had earlier in the day. She smiled at Christian and pushed him lightly against the locker. She savored the flinch she got from him, delighted in the feeling of joy she always got from making him cower just a little.

Christian didn't know what was going on when he felt the small girl push him against the locker. She would either storm off or slap him. But what happened was completely unexpected. He felt her lips up against his. He wasn't going to complain. He couldn't really complain because hell, he'd dreamt of kissing Cacie Cameron all summer. He dreamt of it nearly every night. He couldn't help it. He was undeniably and irrevocably in love with Cacie. The only bad part was, Cacie did not feel the same way about him, and if she did, she did a pretty good job at hiding it. So he'd take the physical.

Cacie knew what would come next. Christian would try to undress her in the halls, than one of them would pant out something about my house or yours. It happened like this every time. Every time they started this game, every time he ended up slaughtering her heart. She could time it. Time it down to the second. His hand started to move a little and she was ready, ready for his hand to try to make its way up her shirt in the crowded hallway of Degrassi. But that wasn't what happened. His hand didn't find her slender body, instead it found her hand. He laced their fingers together and Cacie's mind started to race.

Christian had caught her off guard and he knew it. He knew that Cacie wouldn't be able to deny that he'd changed just a little bit, especially when he broke the kiss to look deep into her eyes. He smiled. "Like I was saying about my summer, did some thinking and I changed."

Cacie stepped back. "I'll believe that you changed when it actually happens Christian. You always say you changed and then you always end up in bed with someone else. Its pretty weird honestly, since you 'love' me so much." Air quotes surrounded the word love and her eyes rolled towards the ceiling of the school.

She noticed numerous people staring at the two exes, watching to see what would happen next. They were nearly a celebrity couple, the on-again-off-again of Degrassi. She'd heard students take bets on if they'd be together by different dances, when she'd find out that he was sleeping with such-and-such girl, and how hard he'd get slapped the next time. Cacie never got into the bets, because she knew each one would happen. She knew that she'd start to fall for him again (something none of the bookies knew), that he'd end up screwing things over, and that her hand would find its familiar niche on the side of his face. It had only happened twice, but it was a routine. One she would not be falling into again.

The bell rang and the hallways started to clear. "If you've changed, which I doubt, then prove it to me." With a flip of her hair, Cacie was on her way to her first class. On her way to History. _Ironic. I get through thinking about my history with Ass Hat and then I get to go review the history of the world._


	3. Island in the Sun

**Chapter Three:** **Island in the Sun**

_Three classes down, four more to go. For one hundred and eighty more days. Then I can get out of here._ Janine Hogart recited those words in her head as she made her way through the crowded hallways. The crowds seemed to split for her as she moved. People were scared of her. She had a mean hit, apparent from years of volleyball, and a very strong kick, apparent from even longer as a soccer player. Add in the cheerleading that her mother nearly forced her on and the reputation of her parents and Janine Hogart was easily the most feared student in all of the halls.

She didn't look too intimidating with her curly blonde hair and lean physique, but no one tested the theory. No one dared to find out if Janine Hogart was as tough as most made her out to be. Just as no one actually tried to get to know what was going on underneath the curls, going on in her head. No one except the two girls she was going to meet at that moment. And her cousin, the boy she worried about nearly non stop. Because there was something wrong with Cameron Michalchuk, everyone knew it. Janine was just the only one who actually seemed to care. _Okay that's not fair. Cacie cares. She just doesn't realize that she's to blame for the whole thing. Rehab… oh look, Cacie's fault. Cam almost not coming home from Cali… Cacie's fault. Wait, he only came home for Cacie… Crap._

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice when she ran into a familiar looking guy. Tall, dark, handsome, and a known man whore, this guy was none other than Christian Hellsend. She wrapped her arms around her ex-boyfriend and laughed. "So the emails forced you to come back? I knew they would."

"Actually the short bitchy one made me come back. Even though I'm really wishing you would've talked me out of a diploma J."

"Let me guess, you've already run into Cacie today and she didn't greet you with humps and hugs?" Janine couldn't help it. She knew the depth of Christian's feelings for Cacie but still couldn't help but wonder why he had those feelings for someone who would never have them back. It wasn't as though Cacie hadn't had many opportunities to regain Christian's love, to regain the heart that she'd broken many times. Yet there Christian was, always offering it back to her.

"Greeted me with glares and kisses though," Christian retorted. He couldn't help it. There was a lure about Cacie Cameron, one that he couldn't deny. "Heard from Hay-Day since he left for Down Under?"

Hayden Thomas, the bane of Janine's existence. Only because she loved him more than she ever could believe was real. But he seemed to always make her a lay-over as he passed through Toronto. He couldn't help it. He was a Rolling Stone, a true man of the wild. He was always going somewhere, taking glamorous photographs and emailing them to Janine, saying that he loved her but wasn't ready to sit down in one place. _Because I'm just so ready to enter into the torture of marriage. He fails to realize that he's twenty and I'm seventeen… Not the time to enter into marriage._

But instead of telling Christian everything that she'd been thinking, she responded with just one word. One simple word. "No."

"So where you headed?" Christian kept walking to the blonde's relatively fast pace. He was used to this, walking with Janine. She moved as though she'd done speed a few minutes before every encounter with anyone.

"Lunch. Sitting with Cace and Sere like always. You going to join C?" Janine raised an eyebrow.

"Nope. Gimme a call later though. I gotta get to the lunch practice Coach called."

Janine nodded and kept on her walk to the cafeteria. Christian turned around and made his way carefully towards the gym.

* * *

"So anyway, Mom just started going off on me and would not shut up. Greg was just sitting there, watching World War Three going off in our living room, and Dad just stood silently in a corner like a schoolboy! It was insane and intense and if they had even an inkling of knowledge as to what I'd been feeling when I ran away…" Cacie was filling Serena in on her summer when Janine walked up, lunch tray filled with various unidentifiable foods.

"So what happened? Did you get grounded, forbidden to see Cameron? Did Greg go and try to beat up Cameron for trying to corrupt you like he did when he found Christian in your bed?" Serena was nearly on the edge of her seat, asking questions about her best friend's escapades that summer. Not many people they knew would run away, and Cacie was the only one they knew who would run away to another country.

"Dad stopped the crazy woman and Greg just slipped out the door to go to Mackenzie's house. Then we had to talk about my feelings or something lame like that!" Cacie sighed. "But I didn't get grounded and I wasn't forbidden to see Cam, though they really are not fond of him."

"Why? He didn't tell you to go to California." Janine couldn't help but inserting that little part into the conversation. She was always the first to jump to Cameron's defense, always the first to make sure that no one was marginalizing her cousin.

"You know my parents Janine. They don't care that I made the choice on my own. They just care that I ran off to be with, what my Dad has started to call, the Ken Doll." She rolled her eyes. Her parents had been irritating her to no end lately. She couldn't help it. She really could not help that they didn't seem to understand that she was capable of deciding to use her passport and her own funds to go to California.

"It's not like you ran off to be with Cameron anyway. I mean, you didn't did you Cacie?" Serena couldn't help but ask that, a dreamy look in her eyes. It was common knowledge that Serena Mason believed in love, believed that every friendship between a guy and a girl could turn into true love, and when it came to Cameron Michalchuk, she liked the option. After all, it wasn't Christian Hellsend. If there was anyone that Serena hated, it was Christian Hellsend.

"I didn't run away to be with him. I ran away to clear my head and I happened to know Janine and Cameron were in Malibu. Where else would I go? Daytona to sit on a beach with no one?" Cacie couldn't help the sigh that escaped her lips.

"Speaking of Cameron, you know what's been going on with him lately?" Janine piped up yet again, breaking the topic of summer vacation to turn the attention to Cameron.

Cacie's head automatically tilted towards the side and she shook her head. "No, why?"

"He's been… distant and cold and different. He's been talking crazy." Janine sounded so concerned, so afraid that something could happen to her cousin, one of her absolute best friends.

"I'll talk to him today after school. He'll tell me whatever's going on," Cacie confidently replied.

"Anyway, Sere, tell us about bible camp."


	4. Boys and Girls

**Chapter Four: Boys and Girls**

Janine's words kept playing through Cacie's mind. He'd been distant, colder, so many different adjectives. Looking back, Cacie could see it. She could tell that he'd been different since California. Since the night he fell off the wagon and back onto the trail littered with cocaine. But that was just one night, he wouldn't get back into that. She knew Cameron. He would never get back into cocaine after all the hard work. It was like her grandmother. After a lot of sobriety, she could have a beer. Cacie firmly believed that Cameron's cocaine addiction was like that. But she still had to check, and that's why right after school, instead of going to spirit squad practice, she was driving across town to the University of Toronto.

She made her way quickly through the hallways to the room she'd helped Cameron move into just a few days prior. She tried the door, it was locked. She pulled out the key he'd given her (in case things got too rough at home) and opened the door.

* * *

Cameron Michalchuk hated himself in this moment, and the moments preceding this one. He knew it was giving into weakness, that he'd hate himself when he came down. He always did. Yet he couldn't give into the cold cries of the White Lady. No matter where he hid his vial of demons, he could hear it. He could nearly taste it. So he found himself, once again, sitting Indian style on the floor with a line of white powder on a mirror. A twenty dollar bill rolled tight lay to his right. He picked it up and brought it to his nose, inhaling the powder.

When he looked up, there she was, sitting in front of him. He had been caught. _I really should learn to blockade doors. Or just do it in my nifty private bathroom. I'm such a damn idiot.

* * *

_

Cacie didn't know what to expect when she opened the door, but certainly not that. Certainly not Cameron bent over a mirror and inhaling cocaine into his system. She oddly though was not mad. She looked at him before sitting Indian style across from him. There were feelings torn inside of her as she watched him with his poison. A part of her wanted to partake of his chosen poison, the way she'd done once. Another part of her was disappointed that he'd fallen once again off the wagon. And then there was the guilty part, the part that blamed herself, because if she hadn't wanted to while they were in California, he never would've felt the need to baby-sit her, never would've done that line at her going away party. _That's stupid. You can blame yourself all you want but he's the one with the money to his nose._

"Hey."

* * *

One simple word. One simple word from the mouth of the girl he was in love with and the guilt hit him faster than the drugs he had just taken. _Hey. Just hey? No are you crazy? No what were you thinking? Just hey. I really wish I knew what the girl thought sometimes._ He looked over at Cacie, his gray eyes connecting with his amber ones. His eyes weren't normally gray, only when he did a line or two.

"Hey. What are you here for?"

"Janine said you'd been different. I guess I know why."

He couldn't figure out if her voice was disappointed or just casual. He never could figure out what was going on in the mind of Cacie Cameron.

The conversation was almost as though nothing odd were happening, almost as though she hadn't just walked in on him inhaling the drug he had been addicted to, inhaling once more the reason he'd moved to Toronto. Cacie looked at him, almost jealous of the escape he'd built for himself.

_I wish it were that easy to escape. I wish that I could just pack a line and fall into a world where I don't have to feel anything._

"May I?"

Her request only half shocked Cameron. Asking if she could partake of the drugs in between the both of them. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to deliver a speech that would make her take another path, veer away from the wild world of drugs he'd lived most of his adolescence in. But then he also wanted her to join him, get high; that way they could talk without her running away. She was so good at running from her feelings. He could remember vividly every time he told her about his feelings. Every time he told her that there was a chance that he could love her. And every time, without fail, he found his words shot down and his heart shattered on the floor between the two.

He didn't say anything. Instead, he just passed the mirror to Cacie, allowing her to once again make up her own mind. He just watched, wishing he'd been stronger, as she inhaled one of his perfectly sized lines.

They both lay on the floor, touching in minimal places but still touching. Elbow to elbow, toes to toes, but nothing else. The ceiling had never looked quite as fascinating as it did in that moment. Nothing had looked quite as interesting as it did right then. Cameron would look at Cacie, and then direct his eyes back to the ceiling. Cacie would look at him in alternating seconds so that they never once connected eyes. Neither had a clue how long they'd been sitting there, dancing with their eyes. Just that they were sitting there.

Finally, they looked at the same time, connected eyes. Something strange happened just then. Cacie's hand found his, or maybe his hand found hers, but they ended up interlocking fingers and clinging as if for dear life. Holding onto something that neither would hold onto sober. Cameron wouldn't hold on for fear that she wouldn't let him. Cacie just wouldn't hold on for fear of being hurt.

Silence filled the room as electricity flowed between each connected pore on their bodies. Finally, Cameron spoke. Looking over at Cacie. "Do you ever fear getting old?"

Cacie blinked, once, twice, three times before answering. Her voice was so pensive, so thoughtful. "All the time. Even though, I think I'm more afraid of being stuck. Why? Do you fear getting old?"

Cameron nodded a slow deliberate nod. "Every day. Think about it Cace, look at me right now. Where do you think I'll be in ten years? If I'm even alive in ten years."

Cacie didn't know what to say to that. She took a slow sigh and shook her head. "I'm sorry. It's kind of my fault that you're doing this again. I never… I never should've suggested it this summer."

Cam shook his head. "No, it's not your fault. I made my own decision." He sighed and then looked at her, one of those long lingering looks that seem to make everything both better and worse at the same time. "'I'd rather die young than get old.' I heard that lyric once in a song and I remembered it. And right now, it really seems to fit, y'know? I think about that lyric a lot."

Cacie didn't think anything of how symbolic that lyric could be, instead scanned her inner music library and cocked her head to the side. "Boys and Girls by Kill Hannah, right?"

Cameron just let out a small chuckle before leaning in to kiss Cacie gently on her lips. Cacie kissed him back for just one moment before pulling away. As good as his chapped lips felt on her soft ones, she couldn't let this happen. Not again. "What was that for?" Her voice was demanding. Demanding an explanation.

"It was just a kiss."

"Just a kiss? How many times have I heard that?" She was once again demanding, trying to keep her mind in the now. But it wasn't working. She could hear him saying those words on a beach in Malibu, telling her that it was just a kiss, no big deal. They both woke up naked. She could vaguely remember those words escaping his mouth on prom night, vague only due to the drunken haze that still surrounded her junior prom, or lack there of. Once again, they'd both ended up naked, and in one of the biggest fights in the history of the world. "Let's just have a guesstimate, both times that we… both times that we messed around."

"It was just an innocent kiss. Can't I just kiss you sometimes?" Cameron's voice held a challenge, a challenge that Cacie met. Her lips found his, soft on chapped. Tongues battled it out and a few minutes later, his shirt came off of his body, revealing the remnants of abs, ravaged by cocaine.

* * *

"You're a masochist."

"What?"

"You're a masochist," Cacie repeated to a very confused, and very naked, Cameron.

"Why am I a masochist?" Cameron asked.

"Because you keep letting that happen."

"I can do no strings."

"I can't."

"Since when?"

"And I can't be attached."

"Answer the question."

"What question?"

"Since when?"

"Since when what?"

"Since when can you not do this without strings?"

"It's not important. What's important is that you're a masochist."

"No I'm not."

"Yes. You are."

Pillow talk was never pillow talk with the two of them. Yet they both dropped the subject and laid there in the comfort of one another's arms for a few minutes longer. A few minutes until Cameron looked over at Cacie and opened his mouth. Both of them had long since lost the buzzes from just an hour earlier.

"I've been doing this with strings for a long time." He couldn't help it.

"Well that's because you're a masochist." Cacie kept insisting that he was a masochist.

"And you're a scaredy-cat." Only Cameron Michalchuk could call someone a scaredy-cat past the age of seven and get away with it. He was just that kind of a guy.

"Why am I a scaredy-cat?" The words sounded foreign coming from Cacie's mouth.

"Because. You let people like Christian Hellsend keep you from being happy."

Cacie sat up, her eyes piercing into his flesh, burning holes into his forehead. "I do not let Christian Hellsend keep me from anything."

"Then why won't you let yourself be happy? I could make you happy Cacie."

She shook her head, looking at Cameron. He looked so small laying down there. He looked nearly emaciated from the cocaine, despite the fact that he was always eating. His eyes, now back to the blue they normally were, were filled with an honesty that Cacie had never known. An honesty that scared her more than life itself, more than love even. Though she had a hunch that love was what hid in those honest eyes of his.

"No, you wouldn't. And if you did, it'd just be for a minute or two before you ended up crushing my heart like everyone else."

"I would never hurt you Cacie," Cameron sat up and tried to reach over. Cacie stood up and reached over for her underwear.

"Not intentionally but you would. Everyone always does."

"Stop being so damn scared." Cameron stood up and grabbed his boxers off of his bed. Somehow, they'd been thrown there despite the position the two held on the floor. He looked over at Cacie, whose back was facing him. Then he turned around. He didn't want her to see the sadness in his eyes, the sadness he could never disguise.

"I'm not scared Cameron! I'm realistic!" She was nearly shouting at him, quiet shouts that didn't even go louder than the annoying emo music penetrating the walls to their left. "I know how this works. You fall in love, you get hurt! I'm just not letting it happen to me!"

"No, you are running scared!"

"I am not running scared!" Cacie turned to face him, only to see his back turned to hers. "Why can't you just see that I can't fall in love? I'm physically, emotionally, and psychologically unable to fall in love!"

"I think you're just too scared to fall in love damn it! I think you're just scared that you'll be happy. You say I'm a masochist, look in a mirror babe."

"This isn't news Cam. I'm a masochist. Which would explain Christian wouldn't it."

"Don't mention that ass hat in my dorm!"

"Then don't be an ass hat!"

"Get out!"

Cameron Michalchuk had never once told Cacie to leave. But there was always a first time for everything. Cacie pulled her shirt over her head and left, not once looking back. After the door slammed, Cam turned to his now empty room, tears streaking down his face. He'd already broken his word to the girl. He'd hurt her.

He noticed something on the floor and picked it up. Cacie's favorite necklace, something Serena had bought her for her seventh birthday, lay on the floor. He picked it up and held it between his fingers, carefully stroking the pale pink 'C' as he lay on his bed. He already wished that he hadn't hurt her, wished there was a rewind button on his life. Because Cacie didn't deserve to have those harsh words spoken to her. _You destroy everything._


	5. Insert A

**Insert A**

_**Cacie Cameron**_

Was he right? Do I really run scared from everyone, from love? I mean, I guess it makes sense. It's what Christian has told me all along, that I'm too scared to be happy. But I mean, look at it. Look at everything. The rape. Ben. Christian. Now Cameron. It's no big secret that I've been hurt a million times by guys. So why is it such a shock that any time one tries to get close that I run away like the scared bunny rabbit I am. Why can't people just accept the fact that some people will never be happy? I'm one of those people I guess.

And you know what? I'm sick of being that person. I have two guys that would love to make me happy. Its time that I let myself be happy. I'm over this running thing. I have Christian, who's loved and hurt me a million times. And I have Cam who says he loves me and has never once hurt me.

After school tomorrow, I'm going to him. And I'm telling him how I feel. Which him? Well I have all night to figure that out.

_**Janine Hogart**_

Another fight in the living room when I came home. Followed by another night of listening to my mother cry in her bedroom while my dad was God only knows where. Then I had to hear Cameron call me and tell me that he and Cacie got into it again. Over the L-word or whatever bullshit that they fight over. I don't understand those two. I don't understand her fear of getting hurt and I don't understand his sick and twisted devotion to my best friend.

They redefine dysfunctional. But you know what? At least they have each other in the end. I don't have anyone it seems. Tristan moved out. Mom and Dad are always having a go at each other. Serena is… well who knows what Serena is doing these days. Hell if I told her to truth, she'd tell me to put it with God.

I like to act like Mom and Dad are my biggest worry, but right now, after that conversation with Cameron, its not. I think he may try to do something stupid. I called Tristan, and Tris is taking him out tonight. But tomorrow, right after school, I'm going to go see him.

_**Christian Hellsend**_

What the hell was today about? Cacie judging me once again before she even knew why I was back. Bringing up Caridee like it happened yesterday and not last year. She won't stop for three seconds to see that I really did change. That I really did change in California with my dad. Like she even really cares. I don't know why I'm still so hung up on her.

I'm Christian Hellsend; I could have any girl I wanted and I pretty much have. But none of them feel the same as Cacie. She's the only girl I really want in my life and she's too blind to see that the feelings I have for the girl are real. But if there's one thing I do this year, it's prove to Acacia Maria Lynn Cameron that my feelings are real. Prove once and for all that I love the girl more than life itself. Otherwise, coming back to Toronto wasn't worth it.

I only came back because of her.

_**Cameron Michalchuk**_

I really screwed up this time. She'll never talk to me again. She'll never look at me again. So I know what I have to do. I can't become this person that I hate, and I already hate the person I am. I can't do this anymore. I talked to Janine and then Tristan came over, took me out all night. I just now got in and the sun's coming up.

Cacie and Janine are at school. I left messages for them. And I left a note for my dad. I just hope that whoever finds me will give it to them. It's too late to go back, y'know. It's like that lyric I told Cacie. I'd rather die young than get old.

I'm so tired. I'm just going to go lay down.

Sure, people probably think I'm stupid for this, but it has to be done.

God, I hope it's painless, death.

And I hope its not Cacie or Janine that find me. I hope it's someone who doesn't know me.

I need to lie down.

I'm so tired.

And I'm scared.

Oh god, please don't let this work.

I don't want this to work.

I don't want to die.

Calm down Cameron. Lie down. You probably screwed this up too.


	6. Cat and Mouse

**Chapter Five: Cat and Mouse**

She'd made up her decision somewhere between three and four in the morning than spent the entire day double guessing herself. She skipped lunch, instead opting to go to the library. She didn't want to be around Serena and Janine right then, not when she had to plan how she was going to tell him. How she was going to tell him that she loved him. It couldn't be something plain, something simple. Because they didn't operate like that. She spent her entire lunch break writing and ended up with a song. She spent her study hall in the media immersion lab with Mr. Isaacs, working on recording a very rough copy of the song onto CD. Instead of actually writing her English assignment, she wrote a note to him. Everything was ready.

* * *

"I wish he'd turn down his damn music."

"I knocked. He didn't answer."

"At least it's not rap."

"Whatever. Don't you have class?"

"Shit. Forgot about that. If he hasn't turned it down by the time I get back, I'm talking to the RA."

"Good deal man. Let's get to class."

"You have class too?"

"Idiot. I'm in your class."

"Right. Sorry."

Without even a second glance at the wall the music was coming from, Cameron's neighbors went to their class, passing a blonde in the hall.

* * *

Janine climbed out of her car, looking at the brick building in front of her. She didn't want to go in there. She sighed and then heard the noise in her purse. The sound of a voice mail. She opened her phone and heard the words on the other end. She called Christian. She called Serena. She called everyone but Cacie. She didn't need to go with her. Finally, it was Tristan who she got ahold of. Tristan who agreed to meet her at the dorms. _This can't be happening.

* * *

_

_So the plan. Give him the CD and the note. Tell him to call you after he reads and listens to it. Get out. Simple as that. Don't make it complicated Cacie._ She reminded herself this plan so many times throughout the day. Now here she was. In her car and ready to go and face him. She climbed out of the car, not even looking at her cell phone, and walked to the door.

* * *

"Janine. J. Calm down. What's wrong?"

"We have to go to Cam's room. Now."

"Just tell me what's wrong?"

"He OD'd Tris. He OD'd and he did it on purpose. I just hope... I hope we're not too late."

* * *

Cacie turned the doorknob to the room. She didn't pay attention to the loud music blaring through the walls. Her mind was focused on what was about to happen. She'd made her decision. If it worked, if it worked she might actually be happy. If she could just allow that for herself, instead of pushing everyone away from her. She had to try. She opened the door and the CD fell to the floor. She ran to the body lying on the floor. "Cameron! Cameron, wake up!"

He didn't move. She moved her small hands quickly to his wrist. There was no pulse. Tears ran down her cheek and she looked at the body next to her. She unbuttoned his shirt and moved her mouth to his. She learned CPR when she was younger. It had to work. He couldn't be gone. He just couldn't be. She tried again. He kept trying. He kept trying to revive him but there was nothing. Finally, she laid down next to him, her head on his cold chest. Hot tears burned down her cheeks.

* * *

The door was open when Janine and Tristan got to the room. Janine reached for her brother's hand and together they walked into the room. Janine immediately fell to the floor and Tristan ran to the two people lying there. Cameron was gone. Cacie, she just looked dead. Tears were still flowing from her cheeks. He looked at his little sister, kneeling so broken on the floor. He looked at his little sister's best friend, his best friend's little sister, lying next to his dead cousin sobbing her eyes out. Then he pulled out his cell phone and dialed in the number to 9-1-1. "Hello. I'm calling to report a suicide."

* * *

"I just found him like this. I don't know when. I don't know what happened. He was just... He was gone." Cacie knew she wasn't making sense. The police officer talking to her didn't make sense either. No one was making sense. No one was talking English. They were all using a foreign language, one she didn't know. Somehow, the room was crowded. College students and police officers. She heard them talking but they weren't speaking English.

"I always knew there was something weird about him." She heard that one. She looked up to the preppy looking frat boy standing in the door and then ran over there. Her fist connected with his jaw before she could stop herself.

"You didn't know him. Get the fuck out of here! Get the fuck out of his room! I mean it. Leave!" She was yelling.

Janine and Tristan pulled her into a hug.

* * *

She didn't remember Greg coming to pick her up.

She didn't remember getting to her bed.

She didn't remember her parents hugging her and telling her it'd be okay.

She didn't remember Serena sitting on her bed.

She didn't remember Janine calling and seeing if she was okay.

She didn't remember anything but Cameron's cold body underneath her cheek.

She didn't remember anything but the fact that her best friend was dead. And somehow, it was all her fault.

* * *

The next morning, she looked for her cell phone. She looked everywhere. She had to call Cameron. She had to tell him about the nightmare she'd had the previous night. She finally found it, outside in her car. Her parents were nowhere to be seen. Greg was still in bed.

When she looked at the phone, it announced a missed call from Cameron. It announced a voicemail. _It was only a dream._

She opened the phone and dialed in the number to her voicemail. Her heart sang when it heard Cameron's voice, until she heard the words. It took her three tries to listen to it before she knew it was true. He was gone.

* * *

_"Hi Cacie; it's Cameron. I was just calling because um; you know the other day when I said I'd rather die young than grow old?" He paused, and there was a slight shuffling noise as he switched the phone from one ear to the other. "I wasn't kidding, I really wish I was... but I'm too afraid of the person that I may be in two months, or two years, or two decades. I don't think that I can be happy with the life that I've set up for myself. I made a stupid decision many years ago, and even though that decision led me to Toronto and led me to you it's led me to the decision I'm making today." He paused for the second time, and there was the smallest sob heard as he held the phone away from his face. "I really don't want to do this, but I have to; and it's because of that decision that I've chosen to take my life. I know it may not make sense now, or maybe even ever, but it makes sense to me. And in my messed up mind, it's the only solution. There's something that I want you to know, Cacie. I love you, and I've always loved you. And I'm going to love you from now all through eternity. I hope that you can forgive me, and if it were possible for me to make a time machine and take back everything that I've done that's led me to this decision, I would do it. But that's impossible,_

_"I wanted to say, also, that you may think that this is the most stupid decision that anyones ever made... but I'd rather die now than die in five years weighing 85 pounds with no brain cells left. At least now I can die knowing that I had someone to love, and even if she didn't love me back as openly as I loved her I was able to call her mine, even if only for a second." There were a few more sobs before there was silence. "I love you Cacie; goodbye."_


	7. Cam's Song Always

**Chapter Six: Cam's Song (Always)**

"Cacie, you have to wake up. You promised you'd come see me."

Those words awoke the teenager from a deep, dreamless slumber. They were in the voice of the only person she wanted to see right then. She woke up, praying to a god she had stopped believing in years before, to see the cloudy blue eyes. She opened her amber eyes to find the space above her bed empty. Nothing but the white ceiling stared back down at her. She pushed the tears back, not allowing them to make an entrance. _Just let me go back. Let me go back to sleep. I want to sleep._

But she couldn't find the dreamless sleep. The sleep that put her somehow closer to Cameron. Because while she wasn't dreaming, she still could feel him there. She could feel his arms around her, his breath on her neck She could hear his words telling her that it would be okay, saying things such as she'd see him tomorrow. She wanted so badly for it all to be true. She wanted to stay in the safety of the bed, where the memories of Cameron refused to leave her be. But she couldn't. She already opened her eyes and now, when they closed she only saw the cold dead body on a dormitory floor, cocaine next to it. She reached under her pillow and let her fingers grace the souvenir she'd stolen from his room. A little vial that once held cocaine, the vial that was sitting next to him. She clenched it.

"Why? Why the fuck did you do this Cam?" She knew she wouldn't get a response, but she felt better saying it.

She didn't know how many days it had been since she found him. Just that she hadn't left her bed. Her mother brought food to her every day but she couldn't eat it. Her brother had come in so many times, offering to take her out into the world and being denied. Usually he opted to stay in there and watch after his sister. Serena came over and prayed over her, tried to talk to her, everything. She hadn't seen Janine since the day of the death. Minus the one time Janine called to see if she was okay, Cacie hadn't heard from her. Christian hadn't made any contact – _he's probably pleased as punch that Cam's dead –_ and she wasn't about to call him. She wouldn't even think about him. It seemed blasphemous now.

She heard a knock on her door and hid her head underneath her pillow. She didn't want to talk to anyone. But even though she didn't say enter, someone came in. She peeked her head out to see her mother staring down at her. "Cacie, you have to get ready. The funeral is today."

"I'm not going." Her voice came out flat.

"Dylan asked you to give a eulogy."

"I'm not going Mom."

"Cacie, you'll regret it."

"Mom, drop it! I'm not fucking going! Because I'm going to go and he won't be dead and Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out from behind someone and say that I was Punk'd and it was really a fake dead Cameron and... It's just not true okay! It is not fucking true and I'm not fucking going!"

Cacie looked at her mother, fire in her eyes. She had just thought of that. It was all a big joke. She'd go and then Cameron would laugh. It wasn't her birthday but there could've been some other surprise occasion. _Maybe he's being stupid and proposing. That seems like a very Cam thing to do after a fight. Pretend to be dead and then... and then he'll propose with a pretty ring and I'll punch him and life will be normal except I'll be engaged._ The thought inspired her. She stood up and decided that she'd go through the motions. After all, he wasn't dead. She didn't hear a single word her mother said, just noticed her leave. _I'm killing him for this. You do not play dead to get a proposal. He's such an idiot. But he's my idiot._

Cacie smiled a little to herself as she pulled on the black dress her mother laid out. She smiled when she put on her make-up. Today would be a big day. She would play somber and then he'd come back and everything would be perfect. She looked over at her cell phone and dialed in Cam's number. There was no answer, just the voicemail. She smiled and let out a laugh. "I'm onto you idiot. But don't worry, I love you so you're forgiven." She closed the phone and then walked over to the cocaine vial on her bed. She slipped it in her purse, slid on her shoes, and walked downstairs.

Her parents all looked expectantly at her as though she'd break down. Instead she walked to the breakfast table and grabbed a piece of toast, sitting on the edge, a smile on her face. She looked at her parents, then at her brother, and then back down to the toast. "So this is a really elaborate prank he's playing. How much did he pay you guys to go along with it?"

She watched her parent's reaction. She watched her brother's reaction. They looked completely shocked. She raised an eyebrow at them. "What did you think I wouldn't figure it out? Please, Cam would never kill himself."

"Sweetie, he's gone." Ellie's calm voice did nothing to make Cacie believe it was true.

She shook her head and smiled. "No Mom, he's not. Because Cameron would never do something so stupid. Simple as that. I would do something that stupid, but Cam never would. He's the one that pulled me back from the edge. He is the one that keeps me from going crazy. Ergo, he'd never kill himself."

Cacie was too gone in her land of make-believe to notice the disturbed looks shared by her family. Cacie was too busy picturing an engagement at a pretend funeral, too busy imagining the look on Cameron's face when he heard the voicemail that she figured it out. She was too busy imagining anything other than Cam's dead body underneath her cheek.

* * *

The funeral home was already busy when Cacie and her family arrived. Cacie looked around, looking for Cameron to jump out and say surprise, but instead she saw the saddened faces of those around her. She looked around and saw everyone dressed in black, a sea of mourners mourning someone that wasn't gone. _Because he can't be gone. It's a simple as that._ _He's the only person in this world that would never leave me._

But it kept getting harder to pretend. She saw Serena, her red hair standing out in the large crowd of black. Serena rushed over to her instantly and muttered apologies that made Cacie want to cry. She saw Janine, blonde hair among the rest of the blonde clan that was the Michalchuk-Hogart family. She tried to make eye contact only to have Janine look down, look away from her. But what made it real was seeing the casket.

It was open and she could see the outline of her best friend in it. She could see the flowers and the pictures and everything. She wanted to run. She wanted to run away and go back in time and tell Cameron that she loved him the night they got into the fight. She wanted to just escape. She felt into her purse and felt her fingers close around the empty cocaine vial. _He left. He's gone. And he didn't even leave me a goddamned escape._ She could feel the tears threatening to fall.

She looked at Serena and shook her head. "I can't do this. I – I have to go."

She turned on her heel and walked towards the double doors at the back of the funeral home. She was almost there when she ran into someone, another someone dressed in black. "Excuse me. I have... I have to use the bathroom and I don't think the home wants urine on the carpet."

"Cacie, I need to talk to you."

The voice of Dylan Michalchuk pulled her out of her sadness long enough for her to look into his eyes. She noticed he was holding something. A black case. _Why was he holding a black case? Was he leaving? Is he leaving too? Is everyone leaving and I'm going to be stuck in this black abyss known as Toronto? Why is he—_

"Cameron would've wanted you to have this." Dylan's voice was soft but there was so much sadness in it, the sadness of a man that had just lost his only son. She looked up at him, amber eyes connecting with blue. "It's his guitar. I found it... I found it in his room when I went to get his stuff."

"His guitar?" Cacie's voice came out broken. "I mean, you should... you should keep it. It was his guitar."

"And you were the person he shared music with."

"I don't deserve it." Cacie couldn't do this. She couldn't do this right then. She could feel her eyes burning as though someone had lit a match underneath them. She could feel boiling water pouring out of them and streaking down her cheeks. She didn't deserve his guitar. She knew it. She knew it now. She was the reason he left. She was the reason he was gone, because he said so in the voicemail. She didn't love him openly. "I don't... I can't..."

She felt Dylan's arms wrap around her and felt his hand on her back. She forced herself to stop crying. She had to be strong. She had to be strong for everyone there who couldn't be. She didn't deserve to cry. She didn't deserve to break down.

"He would've wanted you to have it. He said once that you were his muse or something like that. You should... you should have it." Cacie looked up at the pain in Dylan's eyes and took the guitar. She couldn't let him keep going through that. She couldn't let him keep the guitar if it would cause him pain. _No you just are a selfish hag and want the guitar._ She heard the bitter voice in her head and felt a sudden desire to drag a razor across her skin, across her wrists, vertically. But she couldn't do that to everyone. Instead she walked outside and behind the building. She sat on the ground and had a cigarette.

* * *

"Cameron Michalchuk was a lot of things to me. He was, most importantly, my best friend. I could be myself around him and I could piss him off in a way that no one else could, and he could piss me off better than anyone in the world. Ask anyone. We spent most of our friendship fighting but we always made it through. He always pulled me through the darkest times and... and apparently he was too selfless to mention his own hard times. 

"Cameron was more than my best friend though. In some weird warped way I loved him. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in the world. The day... the day it all went down I was going to tell him. But it's not too late. Even if it is untraditional, I'd like to play a song for Cameron. Just one last song for him."

She pulled the guitar out from the case and turned her back to the rest of the funeral, facing only the open casket. _The last song is for Cam. My last song is for him._ She strummed the first chord of the song and started to sing.

"Always been a runaway  
Running scared from everything  
Not sure where I'm going  
Or what I'm running from

"Always been a hideaway  
Hiding like a child  
Trying to stay far away from pain  
Trying to stay far away from life

"But you came and showed me  
That there's nothing to run from  
Nothing to hide from  
You showed me life  
You showed me love  
You showed me everything

"Always been the one to leave  
Too scared to stay  
Pushing away from everyone  
Distancing from my own heart

"Always been the one to quit  
Because trying seemed so hard  
Giving up on dreamless sleep  
Giving up on finding peace

"But you came and showed me  
That there's no one to leave  
Nothing to quit  
You showed me life  
You showed me love  
You showed me everything

"I've never been one to change  
I've never been one to stay  
I've never been one to try  
I've never been one to change  
I've never been one to stay  
I've never been one to try  
But you make it seem so easy

"You came and showed me  
There's nothing to run from  
Nothing to hide from  
No one to leave  
Nothing to quit  
You showed me life  
You showed me love  
You showed me everything."

She took a step closer to the casket and reached her hand down to Cameron's face. In a broken voice, she spoke the last line of the song, "I've stopped running."

She took the guitar and she quickly ran out of the room. She could feel him there, in every pore of her body. It was like possession only stronger. It was the transcendent power of love and it filled her so deeply. For a split second, she felt whole. Then it all came crashing down.

* * *

**Author's Note:** The song in this chapter was written by me. It is copyright to me and I do not want anyone stealing it. Also, check out the sister fic to this one by sassymuch titled "I'm Only Sleeping." It focuses on Janine and her reaction to the suicide of her cousin. It should be interesting to see this from more than one persepective. 


End file.
